


We were always meant to say goodbye

by Nikipa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Auror James Potter, Canonical Character Death, Death eater regulus black, First War with Voldemort, M/M, Meeting Again, POV James Potter, POV Second Person, Remus knows, Secret Relationship, and cried while editing, honestly this is just sad, i enjoyed writting it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:47:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28964121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikipa/pseuds/Nikipa
Summary: James and Regulus meet again after Hogwarts except, it's on the battlefield.-(mostly James being sad and me missing all they could have been)
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 44





	We were always meant to say goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> title from "already gone" by sleeping at last, a song that screams jegulus so much it hurts.  
> -  
> First attempt at second person POV, I hope it will work.  
> this is the kind of story i like to write and then wonder why the hell i would do that to myself so i post it online.

You are outside what’s left of your friends’ house. Fire is still eating the foundations and the bodies, and you can’t help the nausea that swallows you. You feel like crying and you wonder if, somehow, your tears could be any use to extinguish the fire. Everything is burning around you and everyone is everywhere. They are all fighting, wands in hands, courage in hearts. You are too, wand above your head, ready to cast another spell, when everything breaks inside of you.

You see the green light and you see his pale skin.

You hear the death curse and you hear his cold voice.

Another body falls at your feet while he stands right in front of you.

Regulus Black.

He looks imperious.

Tired, though, but still royal. He looks so much older than the last time you _~~kissed~~_ saw him. His face is still deadly beautiful. His edges are still sharp. You remember his laugh when you once told him, you feared you might get yourself cut on his cheekbones. And you wonder when was the last time he got the chance to laugh. Or sleep. But no one ever sleeps these days. War has the bad habit of keeping people awake.

He is standing in front of you, his wand pointing at your chest and his grey eyes too glassy to be real. He wants to be scary. You know he does. And it might have worked with anyone else. His aristocratic posture and his threatening teeth would have afraid anyone.

Anyone but you.

He seems to forget; you were once the one who knew him best. He seems to forget, he used to fall asleep in your arms. He seems to forget, he used to offer you his fears on a silver plate when he was too tired to carry them on his own. He seems to forget, you once begged him not to join everything he never believed in and ran away when he didn’t.

How you hate seeing him there, so out of place it makes you want to scream and shake his shoulders. You can tell, by the way his lips shake, he hates it as much as you do.

As you look at his pink lips, you realize they used to be yours. You remember you used to kiss them to make the world around you seem sweeter. You used to kiss them late at night, in a part of the time that only belonged to you. And, as his cheeks flush furtively, you can tell, he remembers it too.

You want to say something, whether to say hello or just to shout at him, but no words come to you. You just stare stupidly at the tip of his wand, your hand around your own. You want to thank whatever divinity for the absence of Sirius, knowing he wouldn’t have survived this. Knowing he would have died right there instead of leaving without his brother once again.

“Potter.” His voice trembles when he finally says your name.

It all feels suddenly weird and heavy. Because you remember the last time your name left his lips. You remember he was screaming at the end of the corridor, asking you to stay. You remember it was filled with tears. You remember it wrecked your heart to walk away that day. You remember you thought you’d never see him again. You remember you thought you had left him there to die.

But he is right in front of you, flesh and bones, barely alive, though. Lost in a world that only belongs to him. A world where you never got the chance to enter.

He is threatening you when, suddenly, arms are around him. You see the panic flash in his empty eyes and Moody is holding him firmly, his wand under his chin. You scream this time, fear hitting your stomach. You order him to stop, to let him go, because it’s _Regulus_ for fuck’s sake. But the auror doesn’t blink nor move. He looks at you like you’ve gone mad. And maybe you have because your heart beats too fast and your hands are shaking. Because he is ready to kill him in front of your eyes.

  
So you repeat. “It’s Regulus.”

  
And you can’t understand why it’s not enough.

Remus arrives next to you and frowns when he recognizes the small boy under Moody’s grip. He asks him to let him go.

  
“It’s Sirius’ brother”, Remus says, sighing, hurting as much as you but not for the same reason.

Your eyes are locked with Regulus’. They are talking together and, even you are not sure what they’re saying. You hope they say things like _I’m glad to see you. I missed you. I was sure you were dead. Please don’t go back with them. Please come with me. It’s not too late to save you. Let me be there for you._

And you can’t hide the relief when Moody’s wand finally drops. You can’t help staring at the raven-haired boy fleeing into the forest behind the house on fire. You can’t control the pain you thought had disappeared years ago. Remus doesn’t say a thing, he just stands by your side. He watches Regulus leave, too, a dark expression on his face. Then, he looks at you with intense hazel eyes. He doesn’t open his mouth, but he doesn’t have to. He knows. He knows and somehow, you’re sure he’s always known. But it’s too late to care now.  
  
You’re not sure whether you want or will see him again.

  
“We are not telling Sirius”, Remus tells you as you’re on your way back to the Order’s quarters.

You want to protest, you are not okay we the idea of lying to your brother, especially about something like that. But there is determination in Remus’ eyes, and you know he didn’t ask you; he gave you an order. So, you accept, he’s always been the one to know what was best for Sirius.

So, you nod.

You swallow the lump in your throat, and you pretend you just didn’t meet with a ghost of your past. You pretend Regulus never stood trembling in front of you. You pretend he didn’t almost die. You pretend all the feelings you had buried didn’t come back in waves and drowned you there.

You pretend nothing was real.

Because Regulus and you weren’t something about daylight and happiness. Because seeing him again after all those years with fire around you and death at the corner is the most accurate way for you to meet again. Because that’s the very essence of your relationship: war.

*

It's crowded when you get back to the Order’s Quarter.

Everyone is wearing a grief face. Perhaps, you had your own troubles today, but the important part is, Marlene and her family died. You couldn’t do anything as her home, and herself, turned to ashes. The important part is that you lost someone close today. You lost a friend. Again. The important part is that, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t keep people around you alive.

Dumbledore is waiting for your report at the door of his office, but Sirius jumps on you before you can walk through the room. He hugs you tightly. You hug him back and none of you dares to say why. In those hard times, it’s easier not to talk about death. It would be reckless to summon her like that.

Behind him, you see the red hair of your wife, sitting on a chair, her leg still hurt from your last mission. Sirius lets go of you and runs on his boyfriend. You go to Lily and she kisses you with her entire soul. You can tell she was crying before you got there and you squeeze her hand, forcing a smile on your face. You want to promise her everything is okay, but you never knew how to lie on things that matter.

  
So, you kiss her forehead and you follow Moody to Dumbledore’s office. Remus joins you a minute later, once he managed to extract himself from Sirius’ love.

None of you talks about Regulus and you don’t dare to bring the subject. You’re not sure how it works. You’re not sure how it would look like to say you let a death eater run away. You’re not sure you want people to know you stood right under his wand and the only thing you were able to do was thinking about his lips.

You’re not sure you want to explain how you were painfully reminded of the sixteen-year-old you, who thought your stubbornness would be enough to save you both.

The poor sixteen-year-old James who never understood optimism could become dangerous when overused.

But Remus eventually spills it. You know it’s the right thing to do but you can’t help the anger in your veins. Dumbledore only nods at the information. He doesn’t blame you like you thought he would. He doesn’t get angry nor lost. He just nods.

You are out of his office before you know how and home even quicker.

You let yourself fall on the couch. You’re not sure you’ve ever felt this exhausted. You’re not sure if the tiredness is physical or psychological. You’re not even sure whether you’re tired or in pain.

Or if it’s both.

Marlene and her parents died tonight.

Regulus went back to his dark world.

You wish, more than ever, you never grew up.

*

The hot water is almost burning your skin. Not that you feel it, but the steam in your bathroom and the redness of your body are imploring you to get out of the shower. However, you are stuck here, feet in the water, vision blurry.

You are stuck and the only thing you can see is his face.

The only thing you can think of are the grey eyes. The broken gaze he wore right before he ran away. Right before you abandoned him again. You let him leave, yes. You let an enemy leave but you mostly let a lost boy go back to people who won’t even blink before killing him if they think he made a mistake.

Once again, you left Regulus to die. Once again, you weren’t able to save him. You didn’t even try this time.

You understand now why Remus forbade you to tell Sirius. You can only imagine how your best friend would react if he learned all of that. You don’t know which one of you would become crazier over the fact, you let Regulus go.

*

The thing about Regulus is that, he was never afraid of dying.

He had made peace with the idea of death long ago, before you could even allow yourself to think about it. You both knew it would end up like this. But he still smiled when he made the decision to support his family's wishes. He still smiled when you caught him talking about the dark lord with other Slytherins. He still smiled when everybody was watching him. He was well aware death, or worse, was waiting for him but, as long as the sun was up, he found a way to smile.

Except, the smiles quickly faded when there was only the moon and you to witness. Except, once you got him all for yourself, the mask fell, and the tears ran out. He spent hours trembling in your arms, looking too vulnerable not to shatter you, reminding you of how much of a child he was.  
  
Of how much of children you both were.

Despite the tears, he always had been braver than you. Not scared of Death. Waving at Her between you kisses. Knowing it was only a matter of time before they’d be reunited.

It made you want to risk anything to protect him. You wanted to save him.

But, what you never realized, what took you so long to understand is that he didn’t need saving nor protection. He just needed someone to be there. Nothing more.

You tried to save him, you did. You remember all of the fights and the screams. You remember all your pleading words and his wet cheeks. You remember your begging kisses and his sorry eyes. You tried to save someone who didn’t want to be saved. 

And that’s why you failed.

*

“One of us is going to regret the choices he made”, Regulus had once told you, his back against the sad stones of the castle and an annoying smug smile on his lips.

You managed to wipe that smile away with a kiss but the words couldn’t be swept away. They stayed in the air between your faces. They printed in a small part of your mind and they came for you on your sleepless nights.

*

Sirius rushes in your living room a few weeks later, paper in hand, tears rolling down his face and Remus behind. Lily offers to make them tea as you take the letter with shaky hands. You think you know what is going on. You are afraid you know. You want to be wrong so bad but the look Remus gives you destroys all your doubts. You gulp and read the words.

Regulus Black is dead.

Regulus Black, the boy who laughed at your stupid jokes with sharped teeth is dead.

The boy who sat on your laps with soft curls, ivory skin and silk scarf is dead. The boy who was younger than you but so much wiser is dead. The boy who used to say your name like a prayer, who worshiped every part of your body behind closed curtains, is dead. The boy you left crying in the hallway one Spring night, is dead. The boy who promised you he knew what he was doing, is dead.

The boy you saw again weeks ago, who almost became a ghost once more, is dead.

He is finally a ghost of your life now.

An ultimate proof of all the ways you failed. An ultimate proof that war doesn’t choose sides.

Death doesn’t care about ages or tragedy.

You can’t really cry when your best friend is in ruins on your couch. You can’t exactly cry when no one is supposed to know what happened between the dead of the day and you. No one knows what happened when you were a teenager who wanted to change the world so much, he lost parts of himself in the process.

So you swallow your tears. You put the letter on the table and you hug your brother with enough strength for the both of you.

You hold him and his tears might also be enough for the both of you.

*

_“One of us is going to regret the choices he made”_

And, how you had prayed, it wouldn’t be you.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed, please let me know if you did ! <3


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